Running Away
I have a friend’s whose solution to everything is run, run away from the situation,
- run away from the problem at hand,
- ran away rather than dealing with hurting another person,
- run away before they themselves get hurt,
- run away because you are feeling insecure,
- run away because of something that was said and done
- Just run, run, run
It is easier to pick up and run than to deal with the emotions. The only reason my friend has not run away from me is because I won’t let them.
So why do you run? Is it because you are afraid of being hurt?
Besides burning bridges, people who run away from others leave behind a trail of hurt, damage and disruption and in many instances with things unresolved and people wondering “what if”, “what happened,” “what did I do” and “what can I do to fix it”?
Coming from a place where I have a step family who I don’t know very well apart from one or two of them and pretty much a place of which my family only consists of my mom and my husband I can see the true value in relationships. I’ve made it my mission in life to build good solid friendships which I can count and depend upon.
What I find fascinating with people who keep running away is how they don’t realise what they are doing to themselves and the people they run away from.
Perhaps the truth is, if you dig deep inside, the relationship you are running away from could possibly not mean all that much to you otherwise you would’ve stuck around to work things out. So which is it? if that relationship is meaningless then the person you are running from is better off without you.
I’ve been married for 17 years now and in the beginning, well I would say 2 years into our marriage we had some real challenges to a point where we almost got divorced 3 times. I was rather messed up when my husband found me. Gosh I’m sure if he knew what he was getting himself into he would’ve run too, but no he did not, he stuck by me. He taught me how to love. He helped me heal the damage that was done. He helped me to rebuild myself and all because he stuck by me. All because he showed me he cared. There were times when he himself got frustrated and wanted to run and did a few times but both of learnt great lessons during these times and it was these times that we learnt the true value of our relationship and the value we have to each other.
True relationships come from working together, helping each other, getting through the rough patches and learning to understand the other person. Just because you have a misunderstanding, or a tiff or the person was mean to you, is that enough reason to run?
We all have our bundles of baggage the come with us when we meet someone new. The challenge is how to work with our baggage and the baggage of the other person. The challenge is to accept that things may go wrong and that you may not even get on for a while. The challenge is you have got to stick it out and work at it.
There is no greater feeling than to know someone loves you and that someone actually cares about you. There is no greater feeling to know you have people you can count on in your time of need.
A job can be lost tomorrow, money can disappear in an instant but the value of true friends and family never go away unless you choose it to. Yes there are times when some friends or family can do more harm than good, then it is time to walk away but before you do really analyse whether walking away is the right thing to do.
How do you feel about people who run from their problems?
Do you run from things, if so, why?
What about my human right? – South African Government Hospitals
I use to be so proud of our doctors, our hospitals and our system because in South Africa, a citizen could walk into any government hospital and get treatment for free. You would get all the tests you needed and a doctor would give you an answer. I’m not knocking the doctors or the nurses, actually I feel sad that they have to work under those conditions.
Sadly I have to say that government hospitals in South Africa are a very sad state of affairs. The government has lots of money to spend on the 2010 Soccor Fifa world cup which has no benefit to the people but they cannot afford to have decent clean hospitals.
I had to go to the hospital earlier so that I could get some treatment. I was horrified and disgusted as to how bad things have gotten here in South Africa.
The hospital was filthy and smelly even the parking lot at a shopping centre is cleaner than the hospital. It is so unwelcoming, so dirty. You would get sicker just being in that atmosphere.
I could not bring myself to sit there in that reception room and so I left. Now I have to resort to paying for a private doctor which costs a fortune and I know I will need a certain type of medication which is going to also cost a fortune and I don’t have medical aid because I’m living in the UK. I was angry and upset because as a decent person I have literally nowhere to go unless I pay an arm and a leg to get decent, clean medical attention.
I said to my assistant that they should have a place for the gomgatte and a separate place for people who are prepared to pay what they can or have a standard rate to have clean and decent hospital service so that someone like me does not have to sit next to someone who smells of alcohol and urine and who seriously needs a bath. He said to me “but that would be in violation of human rights, they can’t do that!” even though he agreed with me. My response was “and so what about my human right! Just because I don’t have medical aid and lots of money, I have to sit next to someone who hasn’t bathed in weeks, reeks of alcohol, urine and has no self respect to clean themselves.
I went down to the Medi Clinic and it was going to cost a minimum of R2,500 just to do the bare minimum and that is excluding the tests that I know they will insist on me having done. I’ve had them done in the UK already so I know the drill but at least with the NHS it cost me only £9 to have those very expensive tests.
I’m not being nasty, I’m all for human rights but I have a right too and just because I have self respect to keep myself clean, and tidy and decent now I have to be subjected to that, “is this fair?” Why can’t private hospitals open their doors to decent people like us and charge us a rate that is affordable so that we too can have decent treatment. I would’ve gladly paid R200 even up to R500 which is way more than the UK.
I was moaning about the UK NHS system because it is so slow in getting to see a specialist and I cannot see the reason of having to see a doctor first before going to a specialist. Now, I am grateful that at least I have that option of being able to have access to the NHS because at least it is decent, clean and I don’t feel out of place. In South Africa I feel like I’ve entered hobo land when I go to the hospital.
What about my human right? Surely I have the right to have decent medical service. What about the South Africans who are decent and have self respect, why should they be subject to smelly! It seems that decent citizens no longer have a right, a say, a voice?
Fear – It holds us back
I came back today from a very exciting meeting in regards to a joint venture.
I did my usual moves of logging in online and move around the various sites and monitor conversations. I stumbled upon a blog post which was about a colleague of mine who was speaking at an event and was delighted to be a part of this event.
The person who was hosting the event is one of these people which for some reason rubs me the wrong way, my gutt turns each time I come accross his profile but we are in the same industry and being the quiet person I am, often shy and while people think I am extremely confident, I’m actually a very shy person which is extremely challenging when you are trying to build and grow your business.
While reading the post, I felt left behind, I felt that I had missed out on the wave. I felt frustrated because of my inability to step out and take the plundge. It’s a deep enormous fear that surrounds me an energy force that leaves me paralized, what is this fear? I would imagine it is fear of rejection really or the fear of making a fool of myself. Why is this? Where does this come from? I keep asking myself. I need to find a solution to this intense fear so that I can soar like an eagle.
What keeps you back, what is the one thing you could change that would make a difference in your life? I know mine is this big hurdle, the stumbling block that keeps me from being the best I can be. I have read many books, listened to many people, tried NLP, and I have yet to find the “something” that can help me break through this enormous barrier, something is missing, or I’m just not getting it.
Romany
Stop trying to control your loved ones!
People are quite amazed when I tell them how long we’ve been married. Our marriage like any other is never without its moments where you want to kill, storm off, run away, laugh, cry, emotions up and down but overall I can truly say that we are happy together, friends who have recently spent time with us comment on how happy and in sync we seem together.
One of the things I see often though in relationships and experiencing this myself is how people want to try and change and control the other person.
What stood out most for me in my marriage was the realisation that we are on different journeys. In other words when you are up, your partner may be down, or maybe your partner is having a run of success where opportunities are going his/her way and you on the other hand, no matter which way you turn it feels like the doors are closing.
In life we are all on different journeys, got different roads to travel and our own destiny to fulfill. What I am saying is that it is impossible for two people to be on the same journey and to be going through the same things.
We may be on the same wavelength or go through something similar but we each have our own lessons to learn and the choices we make determine the outcome.
I think this is why many marriages fail because often we get to a stage in a marriage where you feel alone, or feel that the other person does not understand you. You feel as if you are on two different planets.
I saw this in my own marriage 3 years ago; I felt as though we had nothing in common. We were so different, wanting different things. It came to a point where I wanted to pack my bags and run. How much though would I be giving up? I have a wonderful husband who loves me deeply, who looks after me, always there when I need a shoulder to cry on. He is my best friend, my companion. So feeling stuck and wondering whether to stick around or run, I looked at everything from a different angle and weighed up my options. I put a list together of all my husband’s good qualities and thought about a lot of other people I know in relationships who are having a lot of difficulties.
Then it dawned on me, that we were on different roads, different journeys and we will always be. At some points we will connect but the important part is knowing that you are doing it together and that you have someone to walk along side you when things are good, when things are bad and sometimes when things get ugly.
It is not our job to force another person to walk on our journey with us, it is not our job to change another person to try and make them do what we want. It is our job to love, support, be a companion and be the best we can be and make the most of the journey we are on.
How many years have you been married? and what have you learnt.
Life changing tip to find direction.
If there was one thing I wish I had learnt when I was young was this easy way to understand goals and how to use it effectively. Out of all the books I’ve read regarding personal development and goal setting, one book that explains it the best is The Flight Plan by Brian Tracy. It was like the lights went on and somebody was home.
Firstly, you need to decide what it is you want from life, if you could live your dream life what would it be? What career or work would you do? Where would you live, what house would you have, what car would you drive, what lifestyle would you be living? What type of friends would you have, what salary would you earn, etc., and then look at how you are going to achieve this? Think of your life like you would a business plan. In a business plan you need your mission statement, you need to know what exactly it is you want to do and achieve, how much capital you would need, who are the key members of your business what their roles are. How any staff you would need, training, equipment and you would do the sums and so on. Now think of your life in this way.
Example, and this is just a rough example to give you an idea:
Let’s say if you had your dream life you would have a 3 bedroom home by the sea, you would be driving a Mercedes X, you would want to earn £80,000 pa and you would want to work with animals because you just have a passion for animals. You want to be around people who add value to your life and so on.
Knowing this information can be life changing and this is why:
Now you can focus and you have a bit more clarity. And clarity:
- Eliminates confusion
- Helps you be more decisive
- Prevents you from making the wrong choices
Let’s look at this goal. Now it is time to decide – at this point of time in your life and looking at this goal – what the most important thing to do right now would be. Let’s say it is getting a job to pay the bills. Ok, so what type of job are you going to get? Again, look at your goal. Maybe you want to try and get a job working with animals. Let’s say this is not possible because you don’t have the education or because there are no jobs like that in the area where you live. So you can either decide to move to an area where there are jobs like this or you can decide that for now you will get a job to pay the bills, but you are going to do some volunteer work on weekends working with animals, or find a course you can do to get that education.
Are you getting the picture? So, whenever you are faced with a setback or you need to make a decision, look at your goal and ask yourself “Is this taking me closer to my goal or is it moving me away from my goal?” 9 times out of 10 you will then make the right decision based on what you want from your life.
Let’s say you are struggling with people in your life who are pulling you down or are not good for you. Again, ask youself, “are these people adding value to my life?”, “are they taking me closer to my goal or moving me away from my goal?”, and this should help you get perspecitve and help you make those tough decisions that are not always pleasant but necessary.
Lastly, make a commitment to take at least an hour each day to do one thing that will help you to get to your goal. If, for example, you want to have fancy things, but you are useless at managing your money, then, perhaps, you need to learn about managing your finances better. You can also do a course or read books that will help you with it.
Should we still tolerate & feel sorry for those who abuse?
Chatting to a friend of mine the other day, I asked her about an old friend of ours (well, ex- friend more like it) to find out what she was up to and how she was doing, and my friend continued to fill me in.
My friend also mentioned just how mean and nasty she had been to another friend of ours and in some way justified her behaviour by feeling sorry for her. My friend talked of how she had been raised and how difficult life had been her as a child and thus giving me all the reasons why she had pity for this person and still in a way continued to keep the friendship alive. As I sat there listening to all the reasons why, it dawned on me, and I said to her “but hang on a moment, we all had difficult lives, in fact most of us come from seriously dysfunctional families and you don’t see us behaving and treating others in such a nasty way”. The very friend who was telling me this story had by far a worse deal in life than the friend who was being allowed to get away with being mean, nasty and destroying people’s lives.
I know of people in my life who have been dumped at a home for orphans because their parents did not want them. Friends whose parents were alcoholics and who received abuse physically and verbally, and yet they are the nicest people to have in your life. I too have had verbal and physical abuse and I don’t go around being nasty or mean to others.
So what does this tell me? It tells me that we all have a choice; we can choose to change, grow and make the most of what has happened to us and be the best we can be and use those experiences to our advantage or – we can keep the bitterness, hatred and chip on our shoulder and continue the vicious cycle and take it out on the people around us. But, honestly, if you do this, don’t expect people to care about you, stop wondering why you are losing friends and stop wondering why you are alone, because you only have yourself to blame for your actions.
I read somewhere that you allow people to treat you the way you want to be treated. What a true statement. If you are being abused at work by certain people, it is because you are allowing them to be that way with you. If someone at home is being abusive to you, you are allowing it to happen.
I have no mercy anymore for people who destroy other people’s lives. It may sound selfish, but with all the knowledge and all the help there is out there, why should we still continue to tolerate other people’s abusive behaviour. My personal choice is no, I don’t want to, I’ve had enough. Yes, there are times when we all have a blow out and lose our cool, it may not be right, but it does not make us a bad person or a mean person,. I’m talking about people who continually go about destroying the lives of others and don’t get help or do anything to improve their behaviour and most of us find excuses why they should be allowed to abuse and cause havoc. I think it is time to stop and take a stand and say NO, we will no longer tolerate your behaviour.
I was asked to answer these questions!
In a post I posted the other day Grant Johnstone asked me a few questions and these are my answers.
“Thanks for sharing! I really would like to have a better understanding of what social media followers expect.”
Social Media followers expect relationships, transparency and hate being sold to.
Can you share what your personal expectations are with regards to the following:
1. What is a good turnaround time?
Depends on the project and the circumstances.
For example if someone has agreed to provide me a service then I expect them to meet the deadline we agreed upon initially. I don’t appreciate delays at all. If you said you were going to complete work by a certain date then do so, if due to an unforeseen circumstance know you are going to be delayed then pick up the phone or send an email to say that you are not going to be able to meet the deadline and let the me know when you will be able to complete the work.
If you know that you business is dependent on other people’s services then you need to allow for the fact that they may cause delays which is not your fault but you are still responsible for the end result.
For example: I work with two Chartered Surveyors who are very precise and very particular in their work. However they have to rely on various people for information. They would get very frustrated with a particular supplier because they were always late and always provided the required documentation in the last hour. This would cause many late nights and lots of unnecessary pressure. I suggested to them that they set a different/earlier deadline for this particular supplier because they could not just go and choose another supplier. They started doing this and it helped them tremendously.
Communication is key to providing good quality service. If the communication lines are open and people are communicating, issues can be dealt with and resolved. I have an incredible team of people and I am extremely grateful to have them working with me because they communicate so well.
What I mean by this is that if I send them an email with a list of tasks to do, they will respond to me the very same day and they will tell me when they can do it and when they will be finished and 9/10 they meet those deadlines. If something goes wrong they will email me immediately to let me know that something has gone wrong, then I can immediately do damage control. I communicate this attitude very clearly with people I encounter, rather tell me you cannot do something, then I know I need to make alternative arrangements and I let them know that I will not be upset with them, I will in fact be grateful to them and respect them for their honesty.
These are the kind of people I look to work with because that falls under my ethos and values. I keep my communication lines open at all times unless I’m sleeping, it is very easy to get in touch with me. I am available on email, telephone, skype, twitter. I like my clients to feel looked after and to feel they can depend on me to get the work done.
There is nothing worse than having to chase someone to get things done and nothing worse than having to try and find an alterative solution in the last hour.
I make sure I do my utmost to respond to my clients the same day, even if it is just to say, I am a bit busy and will respond to you as soon as I can. This means I have seen their request and I’m aware of their request. I find most of my clients are very flexible because they know that I will have everything done when they need it done by and I will pull out all the stops and work through the night if something urgent comes in to get it sorted for them. Having this attitude has paid huge dividends, I have client loyalty and my clients work with me and help me to achieve my goals because I’m helping them to achieve their goals, it is not a one way or a selfish relationship. I feel rather like I’m part of a synergy of people and we are working together to help each other rather than work in isolation.
2. How do you measure a value for money service?
Simply put I don’t mind paying for a service as long as the job is done right, the service is good and the deadline met but I don’t appreciate being ripped off.
3. How do you determine whether what you’ve received is top quality?
Top quality to me again comes in service delivery. Were you quick to respond to my request? Did you meet the stipulated deadline? Did you do the job right, with passion and my interest at heart going the extra mile that impressed me so much that I want to tell others about you.
Lastly
I also understand that you and I can for example use the same service where I have a good experience and you have a bad experience. Yes people do have their bad days and so people need to be understanding, hell I have my bad days too.
Then it could also be chemistry. For example, there is no right or wrong way of doing something because two people can look at the same object and one person can be convinced something is red and the other person is convinced it is white, who is right? In the same way someone can think a particular movie is great and another can think that very same movie is not so great.
What does this mean? We must accept that people are different and that people have different expectations and different ways of working. I know exactly what and who my ideal client is and by this I mean, what they are like in personality. manner and attitude and if I encounter someone who does not fit, I will be more weary, more cautious and I will avoid taking them on as a client but every now and then I will accept someone as a client I know I should avoid because I just have that gut feeling it is not going to end well and we won’t be working together, it is not being judgemental, I see it as keeping good relations, after years of experience working with many different types of people and learning to understand myself and how I work and fit in, I just realise that some people are going to be like oil and water.
Coming back to this client I had taken on, we have had a fall out because we don’t work well together. Fortunately we both are mature enough and believe in personal development and recognise that we don’t fit together in a working relationship but we still connect on a networking and friendship relationship. We still collaborate and brainstorm together. There may come a time however, where that can change but for now it is not the right season.
As for people I work with, I know I’m not an easy person to work with and so it takes a certain disciplined type of person to work with me, they are not easy to find but I know the type of people I work well with and I focus my energies in attracting those people iinto my life.
Fluit, fluit my storie is uit. wow, did not think I had so much to say.
Romany Thresher
What is your focus?
“Your super subconscious mind attracts into your life people, ideas and resources in harmony with your dominant thoughts. It brings you everything you need to succeed.” Flight Plan by Brian Tracy.
It is so easy to allow our minds to fall into the trap of negativity when someone upsets or hurts us or if something goes wrong. It seems really difficult to get out of this state of mind or to push yourself to shift your mind into a happy place. The hurt or pain that sets in feels like a strong force your whole mind, body and soul feels heavy.
The key is shifting our focus on what we do want, what we want to achieve and taking it day by day. Decide now, what your most important goal is? If you could miraculously change one thing today, what would that be? This would be your right now goal. Keep this goal as your dominant thought and point of focus. Make a list of things that you would need to do to help you achieve this goal and each day do something from that list that will take you one step closer to achieving that goal.
Romany Thresher
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